Let’s face it, death is hard. And when you have to tell a child someone they loved died? Suddenly, you’re second-guessing every word.
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if I make it worse?
Breathe. Here’s the truth: you don’t need the perfect words. Kids don’t need us to have all the answers. They just need us to show up.
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or someone they trust, simply being there with honesty, warmth, and patience can make a world of difference.
Here’s how to navigate these tough conversations, with tips and examples tailored to their age and understanding.
Lead with Honesty and Clarity
Forget the sugarcoating. Phrases like “passed away” or “we lost her” might sound gentle, but kids can take those words literally, leaving them confused or scared. Be direct and age-appropriate.
For example:
“Grandma died. Her body stopped working, and she couldn’t get better. I know that’s really hard to hear. We won’t see her anymore, and that makes me feel really sad too. But even though she’s not here with us, we can keep our memories of her.”
💡 Tip: Use clear, honest language that matches their age and understanding.
How to Tell a Child Someone Died (by age)
Preschool: Ages 2 to 4
Preschoolers live in the moment. Their understanding of time and permanence is still developing, so they may not grasp that death is forever. Expect to repeat yourself many times.
What to say:
- “Grandma died. She was sick, and her body stopped working.”
- “We won’t see her anymore, and I know that’s hard. It's okay to feel sad.”
- “She didn’t die because of anything you said or did. This isn’t your fault.”
Avoid saying things like “she went to sleep” or “we lost her,” which can create fear or confusion.
Real-life example:
When my mom was sick, I explained to my daughter that Grandma’s lungs, “the part of our body that helps us breathe,” weren’t working well anymore. After she died, I told her clearly: “Grandma’s body tried really hard, but it stopped working.” It felt blunt, but there wasn’t any confusion.
Also, remember that preschoolers might ask a serious question one minute and then play with a toy the next. This is normal. Follow their lead.
Young Kids: Ages 5-7
At this age, kids begin to understand that death is permanent, but their imaginations are still active. Magical thinking is common—they may believe something they did or thought caused the death.
What to say:
“Grandpa died because his body was very sick. The doctors tried to help him, but they couldn’t.”
“Nothing you did made this happen. It’s not your fault.”
“It’s okay to feel lots of things—sad, mad, even happy when you think of something funny about Grandpa.”
You can also ask gentle questions to get a sense of what they’re thinking:
“What do you think happens when someone dies?”
“Do you remember what we talked about when our dog died?”
Let them draw, tell stories, or look at photos together. Repeating memories or questions doesn’t mean they didn’t understand—it just means they’re working through it.
Older Children: Ages 8-10
Children in this age group usually understand that death is permanent and happens to everyone. They may become curious about the details or ask philosophical or even logistical questions (“What happens to your body in the ground?”). They may also begin to worry more about other loved ones dying.
What to say:
- “Grandma’s heart stopped working. She had been sick for a while, and the doctors did everything they could.”
- “It’s okay if you feel mad or confused or don’t want to talk. I’m here whenever you do.”
- “Do you want to help me pick out a photo of her to keep in the living room?”
Let them ask questions—and if you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to say so:
“That’s a really good question. I’m not sure, but let’s talk it through.”
Some kids this age also like being included in remembrance activities, like helping plan something small for a memorial. It gives them a sense of belonging.
Preteens & Teens: Ages 11-13
Preteens and early teens often understand death much like adults do—but they may process it very differently. They’re starting to think abstractly and question life, meaning, and fairness. They may not show sadness outwardly, especially around peers.
What to say:
- “I’ve been thinking about Grandpa lately. I miss him. How about you?”
- “You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to. But if you do—now or later—I’m here.”
- “There’s no right way to feel. If you’re angry, numb, or even okay—that’s normal.”
Offer ways to express grief that don’t involve talking:
- “If you ever want to write something to Grandma, you can. I won’t read it unless you want me to.”
- “I was going to make a playlist today of songs that remind me of Grandma. Did you want to help me, or can we listen to it when we make dinner tonight?”
Tip: Try side-by-side moments like car rides, cooking together, or walking the dog. They tend to open up more when the focus isn’t directly on them.
Also, offer other adults they might talk to—a trusted teacher, family friend, or school counselor. Middle schoolers often crave privacy, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want support.
If You’re Not Sure What to Say
You’re not alone. Many adults feel anxious about saying the wrong thing — especially when a child is going to be upset or sad. But here’s the truth: you don’t need to have all the right words. What matters most is that you show up with honesty, kindness, and a willingness to listen.
Here are some things you can say when you’re feeling unsure:
- “I’m so sorry she died. You loved her and that’s really hard (sucks, is the worst).”
- “You can talk to me about him anytime. Telling a story can help.”
- “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m here to talk about it.”
- “It’s okay to feel however you feel. Sad, mad, confused, a little numb — all of it is okay.”
If you’re caught off guard, try a simple acknowledgment:
“This is really hard. Do you want to talk about it, or just hang out right now?”
Or even just:
“I hear you.” “I feel that too.”
Let silence be okay. Sit beside them, draw together, take a walk, or do something ordinary — it all sends the message that they’re not alone.
If a child asks something you don’t know how to answer, it’s okay to say,
“That’s a really good question. I’m not totally sure. Can we talk it out a bit?”
And remember: it’s also okay to circle back. A follow-up conversation later on (“I’ve been thinking more about what you said yesterday...”) shows them you’re paying attention and that their feelings matter.
Personal Note ❤️
This year, I lost my mom, and my daughter lost her grandmother. She’s only four, so I stuck with the tips I gave you for preschool and younger children.
While my mom was sick, I explained that Grandma’s lungs weren’t working well anymore, and she was having a hard time breathing. When she died, I said her body had stopped working. I repeated it as often as I needed to. I cried sometimes in front of her. We read books and drew pictures, and I mostly told happy stories about my mom and mentioned her in conversations.
The point wasn’t to say the perfect thing. It was to show her that grief was something we could not avoid and that it was part of loving someone.
Need More?
You can read the full age-by-age guide to helping a grieving child. Find activities, books, and more.
👉 Supporting Children Through Grief by Age Group
Common Questions
What if they don’t seem sad?
Children don’t always show grief the way adults do. Some may seem unaffected, especially at first. That doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving—it may come out in different ways or later. Some children process through play, quiet reflection, or even curiosity. Stay open, check-in gently, and make space for their feelings to surface in their own time.
Is it okay to cry in front of them?
Yes. Crying shows that it’s okay to feel emotions and express them. When children see adults grieve in healthy ways, they are given permission to do the same. For example, you can say, “I’m feeling really sad because I miss Grandpa. Crying is just part of feeling sad sometimes.” It’s okay for children to see your sadness as long as they feel safe and supported.
What if I wasn’t clear and now they are confused?
It’s never too late to clarify. Children often revisit their understanding of death over time, so circling back can be helpful. You might say, “Remember when we talked about Grandma dying? I want to make sure I explained it clearly. Dying means her body stopped working, and she isn’t coming back. We’ll miss her a lot, but we can always talk about her and remember her together.”
They keep asking the same question over and over.
This is totally normal, especially for younger children. They often need repetition to process big concepts, or they might be checking to see if the answer changes. Respond patiently and consistently, even if it feels hard. You can say, “I know we’ve talked about this before, and it’s okay to ask again. Grandma died, and that means her body stopped working and we won’t see her anymore. It’s okay to feel sad or confused.”
What if they think they caused the person to die?
Children, especially ages 4–7, often engage in magical thinking. They might believe that something they said, did, or even thought caused the death. Gently and clearly correct this misunderstanding. For example: “I know you were mad at Grandpa that day, but nothing you said or did made him die. He died because he was very sick. You’re not to blame.”
How long do kids usually grieve?
There’s no timeline for grief—especially for children. Everyone tends to grieve in waves, and it can come and go over weeks, months, or even years, especially during milestones like birthdays or holidays. What matters most is providing ongoing support and checking in over time, not just right after the loss.
How do I explain death if we aren’t religious?
You can still talk about death clearly and empathically without spiritual beliefs. Focus on honesty, love, and memory: “When someone dies, their body stops working, and they don’t live anymore. But we can still remember them and carry them in our hearts.” If your child asks where the person is now, it’s okay to say, “Different people believe different things. What do you think?”
Should I bring them to the funeral?
It depends on the child’s age, personality, and your family’s preferences. Some children find comfort in participating in the farewell, while others may feel overwhelmed. If you choose to bring them, prepare them ahead of time for what they’ll see and hear. Tell them they can sit with a trusted adult or go outside for a break if needed.
Are there other ways to include them if they don’t go to the funeral?
Absolutely. They might draw pictures, write notes, or help create memory boxes. You can also share photos or videos from the service if that feels appropriate. The goal is to help them feel included and connected in a way that fits their comfort level.
What if they don’t want to talk about it?
Don’t force conversations. Some children need time or prefer to process through play, art, or simply being near you. Keep the door open: “You don’t have to talk right now, but if you ever want to, I’m always here.” Let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they feel. Bringing up the loved one naturally in conversation can also be helpful. This can open the door for small conversations.
Should I bring up the person who died or wait for them to?
It’s okay—and often helpful—to bring up the person who died. It signals that you’re open to talking and remembering together. You might say, “I was thinking about Grandma today—remember when she used to make pancakes with chocolate chips?” Even if the child doesn’t respond, they hear it’s safe to talk and remember.
Grief isn’t something we can fix for children, but we can walk beside them through it. Our steady presence matters most whether they’re full of questions, need space, or seem to carry on as if nothing’s changed. Be honest. Be gentle. Keep showing up, even when you’re not sure what to say. Supporting a grieving child isn’t about having perfect answers—it’s about making sure they never have to go through it alone.
