Helping a Grieving Child Cope: Age by Age Guide

Grief is one of the more challenging experiences a child can face, whether they've lost a grandparent, parent, sibling, or someone else close to them. It can be hard to know what to say, how to help, or even what grief might look like at different ages. There's no single right way to support a grieving child, but it's best to approach it with honesty and empathy.

In my own family, we experienced this after the death of my mom. Because her illness progressed gradually, I had the opportunity to talk with my daughter, who was four at the time, about what was happening. We read books, made drawings for Grandma, and talked about how people might feel when someone they love dies. At the funeral, she was able to participate in small ways, supported by clear boundaries and the freedom to choose what felt okay for her. Those early conversations and rituals helped her understand, in her own way, that love doesn't disappear when someone is gone.

This guide is meant to support caregivers, educators, and mental health professionals in helping children navigate grief with age-appropriate strategies, meaningful activities, and reminders that being present is more powerful than saying the perfect thing.

How Children Understand Death

Children grieve differently from adults—and from each other. Their reactions depend on their age, emotional development, and past experiences with loss. Some may have already experienced the death of a pet or encountered the topic through books or TV. For others, the death of a grandparent may be their first exposure.

It's important to remember that children don't always show sadness the way adults do. They may ask a lot of questions, play out themes of death, act out, or seem unaffected altogether. None of these responses mean they are grieving wrong.

What matters most is that we offer simple, honest explanations, model healthy emotions, and create space for their questions and reactions. Be open to repeated questions, strong emotions, and moments that seem unrelated. Grief shows up in waves and often in unexpected ways.

If it’s their first experience with death, start with simple language. Nature metaphors can help:

"Just like flowers grow, bloom, and eventually die, all living things do too. People don't live forever, but the love and memories stay with us."

Here’s how grief commonly shows up at different ages—and how we can respond with empathy and clarity.

At this age, children don’t yet grasp that death is permanent. They often see it as temporary or reversible, like in cartoons where characters come back to life. A child might ask repeatedly when Grandma is coming back, or express confusion that she’s still gone.

Grief may show up through behavior more than words: separation anxiety, tantrums, sleep regressions, or irritability. Preschoolers often mirror the emotions of adults around them, so if caregivers are very upset, children may act out without knowing why. They need consistency, physical comfort, and brief, concrete explanations.

• Think death is temporary or reversible.
• May repeatedly ask when their loved one is coming back.
• Common reactions: separation anxiety, tantrums, sleep issues, regressive behavior.
• Mirror adult emotions and need extra comfort and routine.

Children this age are beginning to understand that death is more permanent, but magical thinking is still common. They may secretly wonder if something they did or thought caused the death. They're also likely to ask very literal, logistical questions.

"What happens to Grandpa's body?" or "Will he be cold in the ground?"

Grief tends to come in waves. One moment, they're playing. The next, they're worried. Regressive behaviors like bed-wetting may reappear, and they may worry others could die, too. Their questions may feel blunt or repetitive, but that's how they're making sense of it.

• Start to understand death is more permanent, but magical thinking is common ("Did I cause this?").
• Ask many logistical or blunt questions.
• Grief may appear as clinginess, irritability, or waves of sadness between play.
• May fear other loved ones could die too.

By this age, most children understand that death is final and irreversible. They may become intensely curious about the physical and emotional realities of death. Expect questions, sometimes blunt ones, about burial, cremation, or what happens after death.

You might also notice signs of deeper emotional processing. A child may act out in school, withdraw, or become more irritable. Some try to "step into" the role of the grandparent as a way of staying close, offering help around the house, for instance. They may also worry about the safety of other family members or replay "what if" scenarios.

• Understand death is final, but may struggle emotionally to accept it.
• May be curious about funeral practices or body processes.
• Reactions include school trouble, anger, withdrawal, or trying to “step into” the deceased’s role.
• Might worry about safety or express grief through responsibility or perfectionism.

This age often understands death similarly to adults, but their response is shaped by a growing desire for independence and peer approval. They may keep their grief private to avoid seeming different or vulnerable. A 12-year-old might insist they’re fine but be more emotional.

Grief at this age can look like mood swings, irritability, withdrawal, or physical symptoms like headaches and fatigue. Some teens become protective of others; some act out. Others have lots of questions: Why do people die? What’s the point of life? These questions can be challenging but are a regular part of grief and development.

Many middle schoolers benefit from gentle check-ins, even if they don’t want to talk. Just knowing you’re there can go a long way.

• Grasp death is permanent and often explore existential questions.
• May suppress emotions to fit in with peers or seem “mature.”
• Grief may show up as mood swings, defiance, isolation, or physical symptoms (headaches, stomach aches).
• Might worry silently or feel responsible for managing the emotions of others.

How to Talk to Children About Death

Talking to a child about death is an important and tough conversation to have. It doesn't have to be perfect. Children need honesty, reassurance, and space to ask questions, even if they ask the same one repeatedly.

Keep your language clear and straightforward. Avoid vague phrases like "passed away" or "went to sleep," which can confuse or even scare children. Let them know it's okay to feel sad, angry, or numb. Grief isn't a one-time talk. It's an ongoing conversation.

Here's how to approach those conversations based on the child's age.

Preschoolers think very concretely and may not understand the permanence of death. Use short, clear sentences and repeat them often.

• Say things like: "Grandma died. Her body stopped working. We won't see her anymore."
• Avoid euphemisms like "she went to sleep" or "we lost her."
• Reassure them. The death wasn't caused by anything they said, did, or thought.
• It's okay to show emotion. You might say: "I'm sad too, but we will be okay. We'll miss her together."

In my own life, my daughter responded well to direct explanations. While my mom was sick, I told my daughter that grandma's lungs, the part of our body that helps us breathe, weren't working well anymore.

When my mom died, I said grandma's body tried really hard, but her lungs and the rest of her body stopped working. I made it clear that Grandma had died and she wasn't here anymore.

Invite children to ask questions and share what they’re thinking. At this age, children start to understand that death is permanent, but magical thinking is still strong. Be straightforward and gently correct misunderstandings.

• Use honest, concrete explanations: "Grandpa died because his body was very sick and stopped working."
• Avoid vague language that could be misinterpreted, such as "went to sleep" or "passed away."
• If they express guilt or blame, respond with reassurance: "Nothing you said or did made Grandma die. She was very sick, and that’s why she died."
• When they worry about others dying, you might say: "I expect to live a long time, and right now, we’re safe."

Keep the door open for more conversations. Share memories and stories, and use photos or drawings as prompts. Keep things warm, brief, and honest.

Kids in this age group understand that death is final, but emotions may still be confusing or overwhelming. Respect their need for space if they're not ready to talk, and remind them you're there anytime.

• Create invitations to talk: "I was thinking about Grandpa today. This one time, when I was little, he took me to ..."
• Use clear biological explanations if needed: "Grandma's heart stopped working. She had been very sick, and her doctors tried to help her for a long time."
• Help them label emotions: "It sounds like you're feeling angry that he died. That's normal. I feel that way sometimes, too."
• Model your feelings: "I cried this morning because I missed Grandma. Telling a happy story about her helped me."

Involve them in decision-making about how to remember their grandparent. Clarify that nothing they did or didn't do caused the death. If they feel self-conscious about grief around peers, help them decide what they do or don't want to share.

Preteens and teens may appear independent, but they still need support. They often grieve privately and may resist "serious talks." Meet them with respect and flexibility.

• Try casual, low-pressure moments, like in the car or while walking, to say: "I've been thinking about Grandma. Not sure if you have too. I was thinking about ..."
• Normalize their feelings: "It's okay to feel sad, or not sad, or mad, or nothing. All of it is okay."
• Offer alternatives to talking: "If you ever want to write about how you're feeling, I'd be glad to read it—or not, if you'd rather keep it private."

Acknowledge their need for privacy and control, but stay present. Let them know who else they can talk to, like an aunt or uncle, school counselor, or family friend, and check in now and then without pressure.

Need more help finding the right words?
Check out this post for more simple age-appropriate scripts, FAQs, and gentle ways to talk with kids about death. 💛

How to Prepare a Child for a Funeral or Memorial

Including a child in funeral or memorial rituals can help them understand and begin to process their grief. But every child is different, and what feels comforting to one may overwhelm another. The key is to prepare them, offer choices, and follow their lead.

Preview What They May See and Hear

Let your child know what a funeral or wake is: a gathering where people come to say goodbye to someone who has died. Describe what they might see: a casket (open or closed), an urn, people crying, music, prayers, or shared stories. Walk them through the setting: "We'll be in a church with rows of seats," or "There will be flowers and photos of Grandma."

Giving children a clear picture helps reduce fear and confusion. If your family has specific religious or cultural traditions, explain those too in simple terms.

Set Gentle Expectations, But Let Them Choose

Children often want to know how to act, especially in unfamiliar settings. Give them some boundaries: "We use quiet voices," or "It's okay to sit with me if you're unsure what to do."

But also offer them choices. I told my daughter she could sit with me the whole time or step out with her dad if she needed a break. 

Some children may want to walk up to the casket or participate in a ritual. Others may feel unsure or scared. If you think your child isn't emotionally ready, saying no is okay. Otherwise, let them decide when the moment comes.

During the Funeral

• Let them bring a comfort item—a stuffed animal, a small toy, or a drawing for their grandparent.
• Have a trusted adult (if not you) ready to take them out for a break if needed.
• Reassure them that all feelings are okay. Some kids might cry, fidget, whisper questions, or curiously look around. None of it means they're doing it wrong.

Support for You Too

At my mom's funeral, my husband was the primary person caring for our daughter. That allowed me to focus on being with my family and my grief. Having someone else handle snacks, bathroom breaks, or small questions can make all the difference.

If having your child at the funeral feels too overwhelming for you or for them, there are other meaningful ways to say goodbye. You might visit the cemetery together later, tell stories at home, or draw a picture and place it in a framed photo. A quiet, simple ritual can feel just as sacred.

Children's Books on Grief

Some Of My Favorite Books

Grief Activities for Kids

Not every child needs a craft or a ritual to process their grief. The most important thing is open, honest communication and responsiveness to what your child needs. Some children want to talk or create; others may want to be close or do their routine with extra support. You don’t need to lead them through a set grieving process—you need to be present, available, and attuned.

That said, simple, tangible activities can sometimes help a child express emotions they don’t yet have words for. After the funeral, they may find comfort in doing something with their hands, telling stories, or creating small rituals that help them remember.

Remembrance activities give children a sense of ongoing connection, something they can return to when they miss their grandparent. The goal isn’t to move on but to gently show that it’s okay to remember and that love continues, even after someone is gone.

For preschoolers, the best remembrance activities are simple and hands-on. They may be unable to express their feelings in words, but they can feel comforted through routines, visuals, and creative play. These activities help make an abstract loss feel more concrete and show them it’s okay to keep remembering.

Here are a few gentle ways to support a preschooler’s memory and connection:

Memory Box

Work together to decorate a small box with stickers, drawings, or paint. Help your child fill it with safe, meaningful items: a photo of their grandparent, a small toy they shared, a scarf that smells like them, or a drawing your child made. You can open the box together from time to time, look at what's inside, and talk about their grandparent in simple, reassuring language.

Simple Rituals

Create a small ritual that fits into your daily routine. You might say goodnight to a framed photo on special days. Another simple option: blow bubbles outside and say, "Let's send Grandma a kiss." These brief but consistent gestures give young children a way to participate in remembering.

Special Items

If your child wants to keep something that belonged to their grandparent, like a soft scarf, a pillow, or a small trinket. It doesn't have to be fancy. What matters is that it feels like a piece of their grandparent is still with them.

Creative Expression

Preschoolers often "talk" through play and art. Invite them to draw a picture for their grandparent or make a simple card. You might say, "Want to draw something you and Grandpa liked to do together?" Keep it casual and open-ended. If they want to put the drawing near a photo or special spot in your home, let that become part of your shared ritual.

My mom’s birthday was on Halloween. My daughter as taken to drawing little pumpkins, cutting them out, and putting them in a special box.

These small activities don’t need to be perfect or profound. The goal is to help your child feel safe remembering and to show them that love continues, even after someone is gone.

Children in this age range often express grief through play, storytelling, and creativity. They’re starting to understand more about death, but their feelings can still come in waves, and they may not always have the words to explain them. Simple remembrance activities give them space to process at their own pace and help them feel connected and capable.

At this age, giving children choices is powerful. It can help restore a sense of control after a confusing and emotional event. 

Here are a few meaningful ways to help:

Memory Book

Work together to create a small scrapbook filled with photos, drawings, or simple captions. Your child can dictate a memory for you to write down: "Grandma always let me stir the pancake batter." 

Story Ritual

On birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries, share a happy memory. 

Letters or Cards

Invite your child to draw or write a message to their grandparent. This gives them a sense of still being able to communicate love.

Living Tribute

Plant a flower, bush, or small tree together. Let your child choose the plant and decorate a small sign or rock to place nearby. As it grows, they can help care for it, nurturing something beautiful in memory of their grandparent.

These rituals don't have to be elaborate. What matters is that they're meaningful to your child and offered gently, without pressure. Some children will want to do all these things; others might resist. Follow their lead and remind them that remembering someone you love can be as simple as sharing a story.

Children in this age group have a clearer understanding of death’s finality, but their emotions can still be big and unpredictable. Some may want to talk about their feelings or ask lots of questions. Others might prefer to express grief more privately through writing, movement, or meaningful projects. At this age, it’s helpful to offer choices and outlets and to keep structure in place so they feel safe while they grieve.

Here are a few ways to support remembrance and connection:

Memory Journal

Give your child a blank journal to write stories, thoughts, or letters to their grandparent. They might want to include drawings, photos, or ticket stubs from special memories. This works best if this is a shared project.

Memory Playlist

Invite your child to create a playlist of songs that remind them of their grandparent: music they listened to together or songs that reflect how they feel. This can be a quiet, comforting ritual they return to when they miss them.

Grandparent Day

Help them plan ways to honor their grandparents' memory on special days, like cooking a favorite recipe, walking in their favorite park, or creating a small garden space. It doesn't need to be formal. For example, saying, "Today we're going to eat strawberry ice cream, just like Grandpa always did,” can be powerful.

Remembrance Box with Meaningful Objects

Let your child collect small items that represent their memories, such as a family photo, a handwritten recipe, or a rock from their grandparents' garden. They can decorate the box and keep it somewhere special to revisit when they need to feel close.

These activities give kids a sense of ownership in their grief and show them they're allowed to remember in ways that feel personal. Encourage them to talk, but don't push. Let them know you're there and that grief doesn't have a deadline or a right way to show up.

Middle schoolers often want more control over how they grieve and how much of that grief they share. While some may want to talk, create, or take action, others may prefer private ways of remembering. The key is to offer flexible options and trust them to engage in the right ways.

Here are a few meaningful activities that respect both their growing independence and their continued need for connection:

Plan or Contribute to a Memorial

If your family is holding a remembrance event, invite your child to help in a way that feels comfortable. They might share a memory during the service. If they’d rather not be public, they can still help behind the scenes. 

Legacy Project

Encourage them to create something that honors their grandparent’s life or values. This could be as simple as planting a small garden, donating to a cause, or volunteering in a way that feels connected. These actions help teens channel their grief into something meaningful and lasting.

Private Remembrances

Offer ideas for more personal rituals: a framed photo, wearing a memento like Grandpa’s watch or a bracelet that belonged to Grandma, or keeping a journal for letters, poems, or drawings. Let them know it’s okay to grieve in quiet ways, even if they don’t want to talk about it.

Shared Family Rituals

Mark important days with small traditions, like cooking a favorite meal together on their grandparent’s birthday or sharing a story around the dinner table. These family moments offer comfort without putting pressure on the teen to perform or open up.

These kinds of activities give middle schoolers a way to express their grief that matches where they are developmentally capable, thoughtful, and still very much in need of care. You don’t need to guide them through a script. Just keep the options open, the conversation low-pressure, and your presence steady.

Caring for Yourself While Caring for a Child

Taking care of a child is demanding on a normal day, and even more so when you are grieving. But taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's essential. When children see the adults around them coping with honesty and self-compassion, they learn that grief is something we move through, not something we hide.

Let Children See You Grieve

You don't have to be stoic. It's okay to say, "I miss Grandma too, and that's why I feel sad right now." This helps normalize emotions and reassures your child that sadness is a part of loss, not something to be afraid of.

Keep Routines in Place

Predictability helps children feel safe when everything else feels uncertain. Stick to familiar rhythms, bedtime routines, favorite meals, morning check-ins, even if they feel small. These touchpoints provide comfort and structure.

Give Yourself Grace

There's no perfect way to grieve or parent through grief. Some days will feel heavier than others. You may second-guess choices like whether your child attended the funeral or how you explained death. That's normal. You're doing your best with what you have.

Take Breaks from Caregiving

Even small moments to yourself matter. Go for a walk, write in a journal, take a long shower, or sit quietly with a cup of tea. Ask a partner, friend, or relative to take over for an hour when you can. It's not a luxury, it's maintenance.

Seek Support for Yourself

Find someone you can talk to, whether it's your spouse, a friend, a therapist, or a grief group. Children are deeply attuned to the emotional temperature around them. When you're supported, they feel more supported, too.

Grief is a process. Show your child it's okay to feel it all, and that doesn't mean forgetting. It just means learning how to carry the love forward.

Resources & Organizations for Grief Support

Having the right tools and support can make a world of difference—for caregivers, school staff, and grieving children themselves. Below are trusted, approachable resources to help you and the children you support navigate grief with compassion and clarity:

Dougy Center – The National Grief Center for Children & Families

One of the leading organizations in grief education and support for children, teens, and families. Offers free tip sheets, activities by age, book recommendations, and even a podcast. Excellent for understanding developmental grief responses.

National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG)

Provides a national directory of local grief programs and camps, webinars, and research-informed guidance for families and professionals. Their National Bereavement Resource Guide is especially helpful for locating regional support.

Sesame Street in Communities – Grief

Gentle, age-appropriate grief resources for young children, including videos with characters, printable activities, and bilingual caregiver tools. A warm introduction to coping through familiar characters.

Winston’s Wish

Ideal for schools and caregivers looking for lesson plans, bereavement policy templates, and developmentally appropriate guides. Winston’s Wish also has a helpline and downloadable classroom resources.

The National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement

Home to the Coalition to Support Grieving Students, this site provides training modules and educator-focused materials to help schools create compassionate, consistent responses to student grief.

Eluna Network – Camp Erin and Camp Mariposa

Camp Erin is a free weekend bereavement camp for children and teens across the U.S. The Eluna Network also offers book suggestions and coping activities by age. A comforting, connection-focused program.

Center for Loss & Life Transition

This site offers compassionate grief resources, including books and journals for children and teens like Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens and Tear Soup.

Local Hospices and Grief Centers

Many offer family grief programs, even if the loved one was not in hospice care. Look for local organizations like Our House (Los Angeles), The Children’s Room (Massachusetts), or Kate’s Club (Atlanta). 

These organizations offer approachable, thoughtful guidance for grieving children and those supporting them. Whether you're a parent, teacher, or counselor, knowing where to turn can help you feel more confident walking with a child through grief.

Grief is messy, complicated, and different for everyone—especially children. There's no perfect way to guide them, but what matters most is that they feel safe, supported, and heard.

You don't need all the answers as a caregiver, teacher, or counselor. Being present, reading a book together, helping with a memory box, or sitting quietly beside them shows them they're not alone.

It's also okay if you don't always get it right. Grief is ongoing, and children's needs will change over time. What matters most is that you keep showing up. Your consistency and presence are what they need most.

And don't forget to care for yourself, too. Supporting a grieving child while managing your own emotions is hard work. It's crucial to lean on your support system, take breaks, and give yourself grace. 

In the end, it's not about having the perfect words. It's about being there, and that's what helps children navigate grief.