Teaching Conflict Resolution Skills in 6 Easy Steps 

Resolving conflicts is a necessary skill for students to learn, and we can begin expecting independence in elementary school. However, sometimes, when you feel like you are lining up 20 kittens rather than 20 students, there isn't a lot of time to resolve every student conflict.

When we get involved beyond the demand for an apology, we often do the heavy lifting for students. They go through the motions but don't learn the skill or why it's important. The likelihood that they will start independently and effectively resolve conflicts with peers is pretty much zero.

Try using six steps to help students resolve common conflicts. These steps are straightforward, but each one is a skill all on its own. Students will struggle with a specific step if they lack the skills to complete it independently. Notice where students struggle with the steps, integrate activities and read aloud to target these key skills.

Step 1: Cool Off

The first step is to calm down the student or students. We often rush past this step and engage students in problem-solving before they are ready. You can always schedule a time later in the day for students to complete the rest of the steps.

If students struggle to complete this step independently, try a lesson on coping strategies. Let students learn about coping strategies and find ones that work for them.

Deep breaths are a great place for younger students to start. You can jazz them up with names such as Belly Breaths or Flower Breaths. 

Step 2: Share, Listen, Check

This step requires students to listen, check that they understand, and share their perspectives. Needless to say, it can be the most challenging step, and it will likely require more of your support for a more extended period before students become independent.

When it is their turn to listen and check, students must work on reflective listening and paraphrasing. To encourage and guarantee that students are truly listening and trying to understand the other student's perspective, they will paraphrase what the other student said. It is helpful to provide them with sentence frames such as:

"I think I heard you say you feel ..." 

"So you want me to try to ...".

When it is the students' turn to share their perspectives, having them use an I-Message to communicate respectfully but assertively is beneficial.

"I feel sad when you don't let me play because I am alone."

Consider adding lessons on I-messages and assertive communication to help your students express their feelings and perspectives in a way that is easy for them to hear and act on.

Step 3: Take Responsibility

Once students have shared their perspectives about the conflict, they need to take responsibility for their actions. In many instances, students each have some part of the responsibility, even if not equal. I prompt students to think about what they could have done differently.

For instance, Lily might be upset because Juan was playing with Kori instead of her during recess. Juan doesn't need to play with Lily all the time, so Lily could acknowledge that it's unfair for her to expect him to always play with her. Juan could also take some responsibility. He might have politely told Lily that he wanted to play with Kori today or found a way to include both Kori and Lily in his play.

A good prompting question for students is, "Could you have done something differently to change what happened?"

Step 4: Brainstorm Solutions

Given what the students heard from each other and the responsibility they took, they now need to brainstorm agreeable solutions. Emphasize thinking of solutions that are win-win for everyone. Then, preview what a compromise might look like and how they could benefit. Make sure to check students aren’t only suggesting solutions that primarily benefit them.

It can be helpful to start the discussion with some suggestions, but it is best if this comes from the students.

Step 5: Choose a Solution

At this point, the conflict should be ending. Students have expressed themselves, felt heard, taken responsibility, and brainstormed reasonable solutions.

Next, students cross off solutions that are unacceptable to both of them and solutions that won’t prevent future problems. Invite them to imagine that when this happens again, do they think this solution will work? Finally, ask them to choose the solution they believe will be the most successful. Try to find a win-win.

Step 6: Affirm, Forgive, Thank

Depending on the situation, you could stop at step five, but it’s excellent to conclude by giving students the option to affirm, forgive, or thank you. Don't demand they apologize because sometimes they aren't ready or the situation doesn't need it. 

Affirm. This focuses on acknowledging what happened and encouraging their partner.

They can say I understand why you were upset, and I will follow through with our plan.

Forgive. If it makes sense, the students can forgive someone if they have apologized or taken responsibility for something specific.

Thank you for your apology. I forgive you.

Thank. The student can acknowledge the time and effort it takes to resolve conflicts.

Thank you for working on this with me.

As I said at the beginning, many skills are involved in resolving conflicts. To improve independence, introduce lessons on coping skills, active listening, assertive communication, problem-solving, and empathy.

Do you have a school-wide social-emotional learning or character education curriculum? Often, these curriculums focus on these skills and can be easily supplemented with materials you create and children's books.